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Five Easy Steps to Creating a Shrine to the Implementors of Ronin in Your Own Room!
Written by Feroz (Matt Steed)
Posted April 10th, 2002

Subtitled: Why are there no ETEs? That looks really silly. I would graciously accept the positions to fix the silly looking wizlist.

I’m here to tell you how to take the next step. Yes, that’s right! A shrine to the implementers of Ronin in your own room! First, you may have some doubts. Is this right for you? Are you going too far for an over 10 year old text game? But let me assure you, you’re doing the right thing! Everybody is doing it, and it’s working miracles for them and for Ronin! Creating a shrine is easy, painless, and an easy path to great rewards!

Step one to creating a shrine is choosing a location for your shrine. Location can make or break the usefulness and power of a shrine. When choosing a location for a shrine, you want to keep three things in mind: size, visibility, and lighting. Size: the bigger, the better. Visibility: the more visible, the better. Lighting: the more well lit, the better. It’s really a simple formula for locations, but don’t rush the decision. Make a carefully planned choice, but also be willing to move it at a later date if you find a better location, because as they say, location location location!

The second step in creating a shrine is to choose whom your shrine should be for. Do you want to make a shrine to Ranger because he’s written more lines of code than you’ve ever read lines of anything? Do you want to make a shrine to Lem because he’s ridden his bike farther in a day than you’ve walked in your entire life? Do you want to make a shrine to Sumo because his name spelled backwards is Omus? Or maybe you just want to make a shrine to all of them because they’re all so super? Who knows, you could even make a shrine to me for writing this really great article!

The decision is critical, so give it thought. After choosing your location, I suggest sleeping on the issue of whom. As you fall asleep, continually ask yourself, who is the coolest guy in the universe? If when you wake up, you have the name Brad Pitt or Christopher Walken stuck in your head, then you messed up because Ranger, Lem, and Sumo are all cooler than Brad Pitt and Christopher Walken. Why, you ask? You’ll just have to trust me on this because you cannot know their true superhuman powers without you then having to be killed. Oh, I should also note that when you wake up if the name Ricky Martin is stuck in your head, just kill yourself then and there… preferably in some horrible torturous form of suicide.

Now having been inspired in your sleep who to make a shrine for (if you had all three names in your head, then make one shrine shared between all of them), you can move on to step three in our simple five step process. The third step is to choice the items to place in your shrine. Now many people like to put incense or candles in shrines, but that’s not really appropriate here. Keep in mind who you’re making a shrine to and why and then choose items appropriately. You might start with a hamster wheel, because that’s what Ronin’s computer is powered by. If you can find a commodore 64, that could also work well, since Ronin is currently run on a computer just like that.

Choose items that you think are relevant to Ronin, but also choose items that you think are relevant to your chosen Implementor. If you’re making a shrine to Lem, you might include a digital camera, because he really likes to go to boring places and takes millions of pictures. If you’re making a shrine to Ranger, I suggest a cowboy hat and a rotting halibut because he lives in Texas, but deep down inside, he’s really just a smelly Canadian. If you’re making a shrine to Sumo, then you might add a homemade sword… not necessarily because he makes swords and knives, but mostly because you’ll need the protection when he comes to visit your house. Also, if you’ve had a special relationship with an implementor, then adding that personal touch can really enhance the effectiveness of the shrine. For example, if you dated one of the implementers, then you could add that one… oh hell, I’m not even going to go there.

Now that you’ve got a location, your chosen implementor, and a fine selection of items relating to them and Ronin, it’s time for the fourth step. Step four may be the most difficult step for many shrine creators, but fear not, because once this step is completed, your goal is almost reached. In preparation for this step, head out to your nearest moist forest and find several mushrooms with bright red or blue lines in the mushroom cap. Now, bring those mushrooms back to your room, and get a small bag of sugar on the way. Carefully open the bag of sugar and set it aside and simmer the mushrooms in water for one hour. Remove the mushrooms (keep the water for later) and finely dice them. Now create brownies using a box of Hershey’s Double Fudge Brownie mix, except use the water from the mushrooms instead of tap water, and also add the finely diced mushrooms to the mixture before baking. Bake for 28-30 minutes or until a toothpick inserted several inches from the outside of the pan can be inserted into the brownies and removed cleanly. Let stand for 5 minutes, slice and serve. Make sure you eat at least one of the brownies and then you’re ready for step four.

Return to your room (assuming there is no kitchen in your room and had to leave it to make brownies). Begin to slowly chant, “I like Ronin, yes I do, I like Ronin, how ‘bout you?” and pick up speed over a two minute period. Once the two minutes has been reached, continue the chant at as fast a speed as possible, pick up the bag of sugar and begin to sprinkle it over your shrine. Once the shrine is covered in a thin layer of sugar, sprinkle it in your hair, and then dance about the room (while still chanting) sprinkling sugar on everything. If you used the right mushrooms, you’ll pass out sooner or later. If not, then continue chanting and sprinkling sugar for at least thirty minutes.

After waking up you might want a glass of water and a couple Advil, but now you’re finally ready for the fifth and final step! Grab your telephone and call 1-900-9327318. Tell them that you’re calling to activate a shrine. They may sound a bit wierded out, but don’t worry, it’s part of the hazing process. They’re just making sure that you really deserve a shrine. After leaving you on hold for a while, you should get to talk to one of their ‘service representatives’. Just tell them that you ‘need your shrine activated’ and they’ll help you out along the process. If what they’re saying sounds a bit weird, just play along; they’re the certified experts.

Once you get off the phone, you now have a totally functional and working shrine! You might want to clean the sugar off the floor, but otherwise you’re ready to start reaping the benefits of having a shrine to the implementers of Ronin in your very own room! I suggest daily meditation before the shrine, at least 20 minutes at a time, but if you’re busy, once every other day should work. If you’re having problems with your shrine, consider what the creation process involved: make it bigger, make it more visible, make it more well lighted, make it have more to do with Ronin, and if you really get stuck, call the 900 number above and go through the ‘process’ again. You might also try some more of those tasty brownies. Oh wow are those brownies good. And whenever I eat some, my friend the pink fluffy elephant comes to hang out.